Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The days of good grammer has went
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”