Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie