Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
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This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Good morning ☺️
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
