Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Mornin

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.