Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.