Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
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When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*watches the world burn*
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.