Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
i think we should see other cousins