Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Thaw me like one of your french fries

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Aaaa…CHOO!

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.