Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.