Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
True
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no