Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
