Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.