Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.