Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I’ve been lied to my entire life