Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.