*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
i just found this in my phone
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists