Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.