Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
This makes total sense…
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Found my door mat
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Des Moines Police having a normal one
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news