Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

You had me at “define legal”.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.