accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
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Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Let’s Go
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”