accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.