Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints