Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”