Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

This January has 47 Mondays

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

I unironically love this joke.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.