Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.