Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
You Might Also Like
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Awwwww shit.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..