Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
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If a snake ate a cake
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE