Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
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i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i spent way too long on this
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was