[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
You Might Also Like
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!