[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
You Might Also Like
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
sir, my pâté if you please
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce