Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

ㅤ

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”