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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Meow
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.