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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
road rage
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.