accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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This meeting could have been a cake
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?