Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Did I do this right
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.