Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

But I really needed water water water