Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
My kitchen overserved me.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves