Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

all bases covered

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

tag yourself

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie