Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open