Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

You’re not my real can

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Vodka burrito was a success

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t