Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

im gay on my mothers side

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.