Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Got a light

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.