Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

Beards are a privilege, not a right

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat