Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

when someone compliments me

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.