Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it