Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
taking June’s advice to heart
