Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Who needs an Air Fryer?

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

perfect

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job