Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Seek kebab; not attention
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house