Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You Might Also Like
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
no!! no!!!!!!
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!