Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”