accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
How wrong was this guy?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.