Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some