Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob