accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.