accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Note to self: I am a note
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself