accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.