*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…