@punmagnate

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

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@serialmatrix

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

@TheAlexNevil

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

@LaceyNycole

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@ClichedOut

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

@Moemontes

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

@withanewname

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

@DanMentos

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*