accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
How do you milk an almond?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie