Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.