*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
You Might Also Like
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send