*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Lmao
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.