[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.