Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Never ghost your hitman.

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat