Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people