[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
get you a girl who
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.