Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.