Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops