Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake