Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent