Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.