Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
How I’d get arrested…
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.