Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.