[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Damn what did I do next
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds