Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Investing in beetcoin
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?