Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.